Food or Suicide

By Louise A. Stevens (Pineau)
 

I've put all of my life's simple pleasures on hold
I'm angry for actions of others of which I have no control
I'm judgmental of myself and everyone else
I've adopted an air of condescension toward myself
I find the need to conquer myself in order to prevent my success
I must have self-doubt about my life; why else would I hinder my progress
I'm struggling not to be totally committed to patronize myself with self-defeating games
I don't feel worthy to give myself the opportunity to realize my own personal gains
I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm in a depressive mood
I've inflected and endured punishment upon myself as I indulged my soul with food
I've defeated myself and beat myself. I've grown frustrated at playing these self-defeating games
I've outlived my usefulness. I no longer want to control the reins
The drug I chose to fill my void did not restore my dignity
The emptiness I felt inside did not regress and had taken complete control of me
My soul was laden with enormous guilt. I was too engrossed to cry
I felt there was nothing more I could do for myself. I chose the coward's way, to die
My very own thoughts of self-destruction I must somehow overthrow
I struggle to find the strength within myself and try to answer the questions of why I would stoop so low
I alone am the administrator of my plan
My fate now lies in my hands
I've appointed myself as the judge to whom I entrust my earthy existence
I am the arbitrator; I am the judge. I am in command of my animate resilience
The magistrate has heard the testimony, reviewed the evidence and the closing arguments have been weighed
She enters the courtroom, the ruling is in, and the judge now has her say
The prosecutor and the defendant have now reached a compromise
Both have agreed never to self-criticize
After careful deliberation the judge decides the guilt has no merit and restores her dignity
No grounds are found for further prosecution. No need for me to plea
The accused is found innocent, by moral force although a sentence has been served
I'm no longer condescending and judgmental and I no longer have self-doubt. The prior conviction has been overturned
Now I see myself having good merits and I feel completely gratified
I no longer feel the need to judge myself and submit to my food desire, or to suicide.